The Woodpecker

I gotz a story for yah.

It all happened 2 days afore. I was woken by a bang on me wall. The sound of a tap, tap, tap….. tap, tap, tap. I didn’t know whats to think of it. So outta me bed I gots an go down stairs to take me a looks. Da tapping didn’t stop, and it was starten to hurt me head, I just waken up an all. Outside I went, down off me stoop and tooks me a look at me wall. Low and behold, dare it was, on me wall. A woodpeeker, up dare on me wall. He was’a taping and taping a’trying ta gets in me home.
Now seeing how I gots me a pretty big house, having 2 stories and all, and seeing it's just me liv’in in dar, I probably have da space for a wee pecker to live wit me. But the pecking is whats I couldn’t live wit.
So I decided I’d gotta get dat dare peeker to stop dat pecking and get him off me wall. Odderwise, I soon be having a big hole in me wall, and living with the pecker would be nading compares to the water dat would be sure to move it's self in come next rain fall.
I yelled up at him. “Shoo, you little hellion, Shoo Shoo”
The taping he a stopped, yes he did. Looks right at me is what he did. Den he turned back to me wall and pecked it again.
Boy dat did gone and made me blood dam near boil.
“Gwaah.. Gwaah.” I yelled up dar ats him.
This time he didn’t even stop ta take him a look.
So next I thought about what I could do. Climbing up da wall aint nothing I can do. As for me ladder, I dam did lent it to Billy-Joe and he live way on di other side of da county.
Den it hit me. Me shotgun. I could goes and get me shotgun and put dat pecker down. Once and fer all.
So back up da stoop, in me house I go and over into me common room. Dare was me shotgun sitting wheres I had left him. Up dar on me rifle rack. Take it's I did, down off da rack. It was an awful dusty, so wipe it off I did.
I hadn’t taken him down since 2 year past, when me and Bobby-joe had gone dar duck a’huntin
Looks in it I did for me bullets and there they are, gone. So I thinks ta myself, where dem bullets might be. Den it dawn on’a me. Dem gotta be in da drawer, da rifle rack drawer. Yup day was dare.
Load em up I did. And as I walking back out, I thinks to myself that maybe I need not kill he little feller. After all he be just a wee bird. Den da tapping come back.
I didn’t notice dat when I was a loading me shotgun, he had stopped his tapping. Something alike maybe he could see me er something er other.
A storming I goes back out me door, a down me stoop and round da corner ov’a me home. Still up dare he a’is.
Cock me gun, I’s do. Aim it up at him. Put me finger to ta trigger. He had his chance twice over. Pull it a do.
Booom. I’s hear da echo, hellz Bobby-Joe dam could here dat bang. Looks up I do and dat dam pecker it ok. I a missed him by more dem ones me foots.
He a flying away dou, which be what I wanted afta all. Happy I was till I take me a look up, ta see what kinda damage he’d gone and done to me wood panels.
Dare be a hole bigger den da dam pecker right dar beside where he been a working.
Fool I be to think shooting dat pecker be a good idea.

“Fool you be? Fool is right, Latrell. What the fuck are you talking about. This is New York city…Dam…There aint no wood houses here, and there sure as hell aint no fucking woodpeckers.Your one crazy ass motherfucker man. Why you spillin that chit on me, Foo?”

“Don’t you see it, Jamal?”

“Only things I sees is a crazy ass fucker sitting beside me on this subway and that’s you Latrell.”

“Ah man, just forget it then. That shit is too deep for your low level ass”